tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91421773336395890142024-03-05T23:31:57.108+08:00 .:: Kalam Al-Humaira' ::.Berbicara Di Kanvas Sunyi:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.comBlogger364125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-83360185871199861562021-03-03T21:38:00.004+08:002021-03-10T16:39:00.243+08:00One Question<p>People see me laughing.</p><p>People see me functioning.</p><p>But they only see me on the outside.</p><p>No one really care about me.</p><p><br /></p><p>I miss Tokwan.</p><p><br /></p><p>He cared.</p><p>He will ask if I'm okay.</p><p>He will ask how am I doing.</p><p>He will tell me everything will be alright.</p><p><br /></p><p>Now I have one question for the world.</p><p><br /></p><p>How do I snap out of this nasty suicidal thoughts?</p><p><br /></p><p>I'm scared all the time.</p><p>I'm scared I'll do stupid stuff, but I can't tell nobody.</p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm3lBZkCDrn5kkBdh5ZEjuz1oMCya9dyqszqpcdS0Hr98CfQeXTUJwHikKGA5odq90IFbkkDP9zimouu6iU6bNHEH91aDtUOx_7SsXS0yqI0R5vAJwBdZ9oKSbEjqbLp3cL6KX_5BvoGX6/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="213" data-original-width="300" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm3lBZkCDrn5kkBdh5ZEjuz1oMCya9dyqszqpcdS0Hr98CfQeXTUJwHikKGA5odq90IFbkkDP9zimouu6iU6bNHEH91aDtUOx_7SsXS0yqI0R5vAJwBdZ9oKSbEjqbLp3cL6KX_5BvoGX6/" width="320" /></a></div><br /><br /><p></p><p><br /></p>:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-53649386046039646942021-03-03T00:55:00.006+08:002021-03-10T16:43:13.229+08:00Trust<p>What if the whole world don't trust me anymore?</p><p>What if they are right?</p><p><br /></p><p>I'm a human that is stupid, ignorant, incapable of making a decision.</p><p>I'm a mistake.</p><p>I should just die.</p><p>I should just leave the world alone.</p><p>I should not be born.</p><p>I'm a burden.</p><p>I'm not worth of anything.</p><p>I don't deserve to be where I am.</p><p>I should never ever ever be born into this world.</p><p>I'm the biggest mistake.</p><p>I'm a failure.</p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTuSUduUEV0R9R3pvVu5b-C8_iZq6xlK7wgI1txGBV9lereKAN6RXmo69wU_LDGLyVf2wW_Ah52sY8PFI1WCQ0Qnpq_74fl8g9Mum8fIHsSfxYwHiGyEO2zcHbdkLkqEBEhhOV_qiwvKia/s800/trust-quotes-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTuSUduUEV0R9R3pvVu5b-C8_iZq6xlK7wgI1txGBV9lereKAN6RXmo69wU_LDGLyVf2wW_Ah52sY8PFI1WCQ0Qnpq_74fl8g9Mum8fIHsSfxYwHiGyEO2zcHbdkLkqEBEhhOV_qiwvKia/s320/trust-quotes-3.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div></div><br /><br /><p></p><p><br /></p>:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-58259710750132941452021-02-25T22:37:00.002+08:002021-03-10T16:45:17.582+08:00Trigger Warning : Alone<p>Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,</p><p><br /></p><p>Lama sungguh tak menulis dekat sini.</p><p>I don't even know if people still read blogs nowadays.</p><p>I left this blog alone for a loooooong time.</p><p>And my current state actually feels as lonely as this blog is.</p><p><br /></p><p>I'm sorry.</p><p>I'm sorry for leaving you alone.</p><p>I'm sorry for not giving you attention.</p><p>I'm sorry for making you feel left out.</p><p>I'm sorry.</p><p><br /></p><p>I hope I can be honest with them too.</p><p>I hope they said sorry to me for leaving me alone.</p><p><br /></p><p>Ohana.</p><p>Isn't it means family?</p><p>And family means no one is left behind or be forgotten.</p><p>But why do I always feel that way?</p><p>Why do I feel like I am being treated differently?</p><p>Why do they look down to me?</p><p>Why?</p><p><br /></p><p>Ohana.</p><p>That word.</p><p>Perkataan tu buat aku ada suicidal thoughts once again.</p><p>2 weeks, I've been crying every day and night.</p><p>I question myself for my existence.</p><p>Aku rasa aku tak layak ada dalam family ni.</p><p>This is the exact thought that I have masa doktor diagnose aku dengan depression.</p><p><br /></p><p>However I can never be honest with them about my feeling.</p><p>Diorang akan kata aku ungrateful.</p><p>Diorang akan kata aku selfish.</p><p>Hakikatnya aku sorang yang rasa sakit tu.</p><p>Dari kecik, almost 30 years.</p><p><br /></p><p>Jangan suruh aku think positive.</p><p>Jangan suruh aku look at the bright side.</p><p>Jangan bagi nasihat apa2.</p><p>Sebelum orang nasihatkan aku, aku dah lama pukul diri sendiri for having this bad thoughts.</p><p><br /></p><p>Aku tau aku patut bersyukur ada family.</p><p>Aku tau aku patut berterima kasih depa "amik berat" pasal aku.</p><p>Aku hari-hari pesan kat diri aku, depa family aku.</p><p>Aku patut hargai depa.</p><p><br /></p><p>But what if aku rasa disakiti?</p><p>Patut ke aku terus terima dan diam and just bottle it all up?</p><p><br /></p><p>They don't trust me.</p><p>They belittle me.</p><p>They made me feel so incapable of everything.</p><p>They made me doubt myself.</p><p>They made me lose confidence in myself.</p><p><br /></p><p>That's the dark truth behind my smiles.</p><p>something I don't tell anywhere or to anyone.</p><p><br /></p><p>I'm hurt.</p><p>I need help.</p><p>but I really don't know how.</p><p>I really want to kill myself and vanish from the world.</p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLty9IupW0EudtCcfgJ8tHInb8ZkbyXhTry8t3LFKBhDkrAimVJHsgnT-pvCPFIE-T1-6tL7i7a6IcOv38w_Ss4aa0HcRT0raucPcPiAnrCxMkcu0AdTxVdIbLRcDllSoWuofDh3cqb8GL/s2048/0_FHwEA3ciVimaTNnD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1360" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLty9IupW0EudtCcfgJ8tHInb8ZkbyXhTry8t3LFKBhDkrAimVJHsgnT-pvCPFIE-T1-6tL7i7a6IcOv38w_Ss4aa0HcRT0raucPcPiAnrCxMkcu0AdTxVdIbLRcDllSoWuofDh3cqb8GL/s320/0_FHwEA3ciVimaTNnD.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-11535246503704429322019-05-23T06:33:00.002+08:002019-05-23T06:33:50.356+08:00Stigma<div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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Stigma have nothing to do with what I'm gonna rant today, maybe, I thought so. </div>
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Instead, the song by Kim Taehyung (V, BTS) is very relatable to myself come to think of it. </div>
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Goshh why so complicated Faizah? </div>
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Well, straight to the point. </div>
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Today, this early morning as I woke up for sahoor, I asked myself,</div>
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"Why am I pushing people out of my life?"</div>
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I once did that, but I've managed to broke the wall. </div>
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And now I'm building one again. </div>
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At first I thought this is just my woman thing (PMS), but it's been prolong for almost a month. </div>
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I did realized that maybe the monter hit me again but I chose to deny it not overcome it. </div>
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It got worse. </div>
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Of course. </div>
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From sleepless nights to days full of irritation and exhaustion. </div>
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From sociable to someone hard to approach. </div>
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Goshh, I'm just drowning deeper. </div>
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I started to push people away. </div>
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Because I've been hurt in some way, unconsciously. </div>
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Because I think I don't meet their standards. </div>
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Because they expect things from me. </div>
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Because I am currently weak. </div>
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Yeah, people can say,"You need to get closer to Allah, meditate, tell Him everything, ask His guidance"</div>
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But far you know it's not that easy. </div>
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There's one day back in the day where Prophet Muhammad PBUH were confronted by a woman saying that she is suffering from an illness and she begged Rasulullah PBUH to pray to Allah to take away the illness. </div>
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Do you know what Rasulullah PBUH said? </div>
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The messenger of Allah did not blame the woman for being far from Allah instead he mentioned to her that this illness that she have is a test from Allah. </div>
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He can pray to Allah to take away the illness but if the woman endure it with sabr and taqwa, Allah will grant her Jannah. </div>
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How he is great man.</div>
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Rasulullah PBUH gave a consolation instead of judging the woman. </div>
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The human need more consolation than judgement.</div>
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I need those consolation to protect myself from being hurt, again. </div>
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It's true that I might have been too far from Allah but no one should judge that, instead people like me should be reminded of how merciful Allah is. </div>
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My journey is not as hard as others but to me it's hard. </div>
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However I am blessed with beautiful souls that helped me through hard times. </div>
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Right now, I might need some time alone in my world. </div>
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Get myself ready and I'll reach out to you guys again. </div>
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I'm at my weakest point. </div>
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Sorry. 😣</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyf6M6yc_cJARBo-RjhtgirWOod3_S3HBsugBZ_yZxjlVPZiNh4x5AWcLtYzCBoc3gvs6628rqJVq-fsocCE7FvyD77IIAAamrj-mIEZQZqG9T92wW5zfW3ogQ8Zf5Ab036AWMBu3BRrmM/s1600/FB_IMG_1558191399461.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1136" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyf6M6yc_cJARBo-RjhtgirWOod3_S3HBsugBZ_yZxjlVPZiNh4x5AWcLtYzCBoc3gvs6628rqJVq-fsocCE7FvyD77IIAAamrj-mIEZQZqG9T92wW5zfW3ogQ8Zf5Ab036AWMBu3BRrmM/s320/FB_IMG_1558191399461.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-40581816251242789412019-04-11T22:28:00.001+08:002019-04-11T23:03:24.341+08:00Bisa AjaTo night I was alone at home because this whole week I want to go out but I don't want to.<br />
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Despite of what I am feeling, I'm more worried of people surround me whom I felt like as day goes by, they are becoming like me.<br />
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Their mental health is deteriorating...<br />
And I question myself what actually I have done to help them like they did previously to me.<br />
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I was browsing through YouTube and was brought upon a video by Faizal Tahir.<br />
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<a href="https://youtu.be/qWeSUzaoEJY" target="_blank">https://youtu.be/qWeSUzaoEJY</a><br />
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He said that the girl sounded happy, seems normal but actually she was struggling.<br />
Depression is a faceless disease.<br />
You actually don't even realize when you started to develop the symptoms until it's getting severe.<br />
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But an unexpected, small gesture by someone could change the whole thing.<br />
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Nowadays we heard a lot of people is suffering from depression.<br />
Despite people who actually do it for attention (not good guys), there are people who are actually suffering and just realized that what they are suffering is actually a mental illness.<br />
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The good thing is now, people have a different view on depression compared to the time when I was first diagnosed.<br />
And I just hope that those people who are suffering, not giving up on their life.<br />
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It hurt me seeing a comrade "fall".<br />
It hurt me more when I can't do anything for them.<br />
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Love yourself and treat yourself better.<br />
I know it's hard but I know it's not impossible ❤<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkzQQi71MINaJpoQRBkY3R145AJrDQ57ZWR3v7okcTqwovwXBdx6VAMqGotpVWpExOz0dI2KlYESF6AXQp76nT43fsBTAH3gNfzJuKBYRKtnPe8eiHKTBXsBB2gsb1OEBFmovFF447ENwj/s1600/IMG20190201103337.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkzQQi71MINaJpoQRBkY3R145AJrDQ57ZWR3v7okcTqwovwXBdx6VAMqGotpVWpExOz0dI2KlYESF6AXQp76nT43fsBTAH3gNfzJuKBYRKtnPe8eiHKTBXsBB2gsb1OEBFmovFF447ENwj/s320/IMG20190201103337.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Edited : Jom dengar lagu ni "Sesuatu yang Takkan Mungkin" by Shazz <a href="https://youtu.be/jjeq_dT_Dgc" target="_blank">https://youtu.be/jjeq_dT_Dgc</a></div>
<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-87571987609392551972019-03-10T05:26:00.000+08:002019-03-10T05:26:08.278+08:00The Beauty Inside : Marigolds Dear beloved canvas,<br />
<br />
I smiled when I opened this blog.<br />
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"Alhamdulillah it still here. The last post is not even a year ago yet."<br />
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I felt so relieved that I still have the pieces of the broken me.<br />
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August 2018 - March 2019<br />
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It doesn't seem that long but a lot have taken place. Changes that actually challenge me each day.<br />
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😄<br />
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I'm smiling. I tried hard to smile each day just so people know that I'm surviving.<br />
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Last three weeks I've been bedridden due to a surgery and it taught me so much.<br />
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I thought of spending my time trying to catch up with my kdrama, but it end up teaching me more than just a mere drama.<br />
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There's a scene in the drama which a daughter tried her best to hide her illness from the parents but they found out.<br />
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"Why did you hide it? Why did you lie? Why didn't you tell us?"<br />
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It's exactly what mama once said to me.<br />
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"I don't want to cause you extra worries" that's the dialogue but that also what I replied.<br />
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The difference is mama did not say anything after that but in the drama, the parents replied to the daughter,<br />
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"dear, that's what parents are for. We want extra worries especially concerning you. Not having anything to worry about is the scariest thing that could happen"<br />
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I cried. I cried so much as now I get to hear the unspoken truth.<br />
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Three weeks, lying down, unable to do anything on my own, mama and bapak without fail do their best to assist me in any way to make me comfortable.<br />
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I witnessed that myself. I question myself each day, "Will I be able to do the same to them one day when they need me? "<br />
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I'm writing this here so that if one day i forgot, I can read this and be a better child to my parents.<br />
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Within these three weeks, something else happened too. Remember how I've been running from everyone?<br />
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One day, two of them suddenly show up in front of my house, brought me a bouquet of flowers and telling me to stay strong and assured me that they always here.<br />
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When I first heard that they came from didi, I was terrified and I'm thinking of ways to get out of this mess.<br />
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But Didi being him just force me to face my fears. Haha I thank him for that. And shortly after they left, he just sat down next to me in my room, talk to me and calm me down.<br />
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I guess I owe my family big time.<br />
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No.<br />
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I believe Allah gave me the best family I need.<br />
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Thank you Allah.<br />
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Though I still have my fears and phobias, I believe I can go through all this just well.<br />
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Maybe I just need some time to adjust to everything.<br />
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Maybe.<br />
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Thank you for being here.<br />
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For always being here.<br />
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For making sure that I have a home to come back to.<br />
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A home to make me feel warm and secure.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHfvIbPkpQTjs_4I09JwzUbERChvciX5FMIuM9G52P477DD2FD118lKTH5JI6B_waucC7U48359LuuimUFaR8SiY-NFBe8T4BynjhUH1zzaXvFac05FYZ7o6Js_evaaKOOpCqfx7Bijez9/s1600/20f9ac4c0ef2966194e3bc68890530b5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHfvIbPkpQTjs_4I09JwzUbERChvciX5FMIuM9G52P477DD2FD118lKTH5JI6B_waucC7U48359LuuimUFaR8SiY-NFBe8T4BynjhUH1zzaXvFac05FYZ7o6Js_evaaKOOpCqfx7Bijez9/s320/20f9ac4c0ef2966194e3bc68890530b5.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-1358153073981883372018-08-24T08:38:00.000+08:002018-08-24T08:38:01.898+08:00Hati Ibu<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Semua orang tahu mulianya kedudukan seorang wanita bergelar ibu. </div>
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Semua orang tahu hebatnya cinta dan kasih seorang ibu. </div>
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Tapi jarang sekali ada yang menghargai. </div>
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Tapi jarang sekali ada yang menyantuni. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_tE6OOXx2CDI48DzJKOf5V5WRd9Seij62WLkSzEkV_SejDCxmSyx6VAuJq27-t7yWdULQ93_zsNaNzpMVr3GhFv09mqH5tiB_XUftJkhB1TY93-TeZzcBJRvqOYObOR2EqiVWNsZDCZ20/s1600/doa+ibu+mustajab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="759" data-original-width="960" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_tE6OOXx2CDI48DzJKOf5V5WRd9Seij62WLkSzEkV_SejDCxmSyx6VAuJq27-t7yWdULQ93_zsNaNzpMVr3GhFv09mqH5tiB_XUftJkhB1TY93-TeZzcBJRvqOYObOR2EqiVWNsZDCZ20/s320/doa+ibu+mustajab.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Dalam beribu manusia datang dan pergi dari sisimu, sedarlah.. </div>
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Ibu sentiasa ada. </div>
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Dia tak pernah tinggalkan kita.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Jangan sakiti hati tua itu. </div>
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Jangan lepaskan tangan yang pernah mendodoi mu. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Anak, jangan jadi kufur nikmat. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Ada orang tidak sempat berbakti pada orang tua ketika mereka masih hidup. </div>
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Kau masih punya masa.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Mohon keampunan dia, </div>
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Pinta restunya, harap redhanya.. </div>
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InsyaAllah hidup mu akan kembali tenang. </div>
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Jangan biar ibu tua sering terkenang kata-kata tajam mu. </div>
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Meski ia tidak dituju buat ibu, dia terasa. </div>
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Allah... </div>
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Beratnya azab buat ibu ayah terasa... </div>
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Serba salah dalam diri tak akan hilang...</div>
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Selagi air mata tidak bisa dihapuskan.</div>
:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-35002147593783349642018-08-02T22:04:00.000+08:002018-08-02T22:05:48.300+08:00Dreams<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>3rd August is here again.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>For the 27th times.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>It's here.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>If possible, I don't want to know that fact.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>If possible, I don't want to celebrate it.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>If possible, I don't want to face it.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>If possible, I don't want anyone to remember it.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>Because it's hurt.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>It's hurt when every year i need to reflect upon my life.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>I don't want to reflect but it's like an automatic playback in my mind.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>I'm living. </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>Of course, Alhamdulillah for what i have today.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>However, what life that I'm actually living?</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>I know myself more than anyone else.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>I know how low I am currently.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>I know how I'm not worthy of what I have today.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>A friend of mine s</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>Told me to keep on dreaming.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>Maybe one day, all the dreams might come true.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>Maybe.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>But that uncertainty is killing me every year.</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>Will my dreams come true next year?</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>What will happen to me next year?</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>Where will I be next year?</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbrTSvdpJjh_tL6zw13EV5VUPQbg3274LSVlfs4sOX0vejbt_TOhlNXWLYvrnDk6xmxVRBzT6vssv_dliY5pv2nlpIHD3pV2vI76RYpD8kVfJQx2KBXeQ8IluMUb8lGx8OPkYXzd0yV3oT/s1600/38025466_1957351347637374_823377339818704896_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="540" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbrTSvdpJjh_tL6zw13EV5VUPQbg3274LSVlfs4sOX0vejbt_TOhlNXWLYvrnDk6xmxVRBzT6vssv_dliY5pv2nlpIHD3pV2vI76RYpD8kVfJQx2KBXeQ8IluMUb8lGx8OPkYXzd0yV3oT/s320/38025466_1957351347637374_823377339818704896_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I will keep on reminding myself of this. So people, please stop expecting much from me. It's burden.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b>Will I still be here?</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz2FpezTcMzYbzQwGT7XgD2smZl4is2h1ad61nZjrhbFpWLMmZfeyK04dHgc4btbP2vqFnJ0yH_3S3pv9_7KgEXday71euqXp5FlPVELcA9oRLyDevRYzwZnd_iFnf8AQBEUt4dcbO2LSd/s1600/38205924_1961454017227107_288097665957232640_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz2FpezTcMzYbzQwGT7XgD2smZl4is2h1ad61nZjrhbFpWLMmZfeyK04dHgc4btbP2vqFnJ0yH_3S3pv9_7KgEXday71euqXp5FlPVELcA9oRLyDevRYzwZnd_iFnf8AQBEUt4dcbO2LSd/s320/38205924_1961454017227107_288097665957232640_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happy Birthday Faizah!</td></tr>
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:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-6473790391675518412018-07-28T03:54:00.001+08:002018-07-28T04:00:23.619+08:00A Shoulder To Cry On<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #3c4043; font-size: 14px; margin-top: 16px; max-height: 999999px; text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><i>Life is full of lots of up and downs</i></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><i><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"></span></i></b></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><i><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;">And the distance feels further</span></i></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><b><i><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;">
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
When you're headed for the ground</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
And there is nothing more painful than to let your feelings take you down</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
It's so hard to know the way you feel inside</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
When there's many thoughts and feelings that you hide</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
But you might feel better if you let me walk with you</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
By your side</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
And when you need a shoulder to cry on</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
When you need a friend to rely on</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
When the whole world is gone</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
You won't be alone, cause I'll be there</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
I'll be your shoulder to cry on</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
I'll be there</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
I'll be a friend to rely on</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
When the whole world is gone</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
You won't be alone, cause I'll be there</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
All of the times when everything is wrong</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
And you're feeling like</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
There's no use going on</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
You can't give it up</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
I hope you work it out and carry on</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Side by side,</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
With you till the end</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
I'll always be the one to firmly hold your hand</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
No matter what is said or done</div>
</span><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="max-height: 999999px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Our love will always continue on</div>
</span></i></b></span></blockquote>
</blockquote>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
No human being can live on their own in this world.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
In fact, no living things can.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
We all depend on each other.</div>
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That's how Allah created life.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
We need someone to always stay with us.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
They don't have to text us 24/7 or call us 365 days a year.</div>
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But, you know they exist.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
When you need them, they always there.</div>
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They always care.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
When you claim that no one care for you,</div>
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That might be the wall that you put up for them.</div>
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But those who you called friends and family, will always wait for you on the other side of the wall.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
They will never break the wall till you're ready to open up to them.</div>
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Because they don't want tk break you even further.</div>
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Alhamdulillah.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Allah gave me the opportunity to open up to them, and it's not too late.</div>
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My family, my friends are still waiting on the other side.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And, they know that I'm not fully prepared to go meet the whole world just yet.</div>
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I'm keeping my circle small, but my prayers will always be with everyone I've known before.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I'll never forget those who once entered my life.</div>
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Those who made my 27 years of living worth it.</div>
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Those who taught me the real meaning of breathing and standing on my own feet.</div>
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<br /></div>
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😊</div>
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P/s : there's always someone who always wait for us. It's up to ourselves to realize it before it's too late. Don't ever push people out of your life. Don't repeat my mistakes. I've realized my mistakes, and I'm thankful they are still waiting for me. You should open up to them too...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT0kRSDU2ZRG6bbGhZJEgx1ZVx1UXjsh7bKZNrh0Hrwp3TjRZKYSONikmKFXBTPFk4mlf3Hv-u17LTRsVEzPeLUc8ujIhh78pbXY6HrebNEYfEyUBRymtpMCMIWE5BlG2Ieysi_tcc8TOb/s1600/IMG-20180715-WA0002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="809" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhT0kRSDU2ZRG6bbGhZJEgx1ZVx1UXjsh7bKZNrh0Hrwp3TjRZKYSONikmKFXBTPFk4mlf3Hv-u17LTRsVEzPeLUc8ujIhh78pbXY6HrebNEYfEyUBRymtpMCMIWE5BlG2Ieysi_tcc8TOb/s320/IMG-20180715-WA0002.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-43370670908140390822018-06-19T02:48:00.001+08:002018-06-19T02:48:10.720+08:00It's Hari Raya!But I'm running away from everything.<br />
Hahaha people don't know that but I know.<br />
<br />
The battle is inside me.<br />
Of course it just me who know about it.<br />
<br />
😣<br />
It's hard to run from people on Eid.<br />
No matter how good you are at hiding.<br />
You still need to take care of your mom and dad's heart.<br />
<br />
You don't want to let them down during this festive season.<br />
You don't want them to be all worn out because you have your anxiety attack and don't want to help them at all.<br />
<br />
Not because you don't want to.<br />
But because you don't want to meet people who talk about others, asks about your personal life.<br />
Because of those toxic people who always ruin my happy mood of Eid.<br />
<br />
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<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-55153036569034756772018-06-05T09:32:00.000+08:002018-06-05T09:32:56.488+08:00I force myself to smileGila wei.<br />
Gila.<br />
Aku tau ni gila.<br />
<br />
Aku menangis dari pagi tadi sampai sekarang dengan tak henti.<br />
Puncanya? Aku sendiri tak ada jawapan.<br />
<br />
Lebih gila bila aku kena paksa diri untuk senyum sebab itu kerja aku.<br />
Penat wei... Aku penat gila berlakon dan tunjukkan perasaan yang aku tak nak tunjuk.<br />
Aku rasa nak tidoq ja dekat rumah.<br />
Tak mau jumpa orang.<br />
<br />
Aku tau aku tengah jatuh dalam lembah depresi yang gelap.<br />
Tapi aku takut nak mintak tolong.<br />
Aku malu.<br />
Serius.<br />
<br />
Sebab aku penah lari masa depa hulur tangan nak bantu aku.<br />
Bodoh betul seorang Faizah.<br />
Sebab Faizah percaya dia boleh lawan ni sorang-sorang.<br />
Faizah tak sedaq yang dia kena tipu dengan diri dia sendiri.<br />
<br />
Bodoh.<br />
Bodoh.<br />
Bodoh.<br />
<br />
Sekarang dia tanya apa dia patut buat.<br />
<br />
Hahaha bodoh Faizah!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfvlVVdSrOZs5bYUCaKAElHi8D25fMCX8FPB57wUM14hKK4EvPTjy4s7u5INDW1lo52L6Vdsj2U2CPpULh-eLhROKHjtb2cbN1z0LVoYeizmrCKdxGPPc6Sa1lxwFqsNijUM8sXREpxdWc/s1600/Screenshot_2018-06-04-22-23-26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfvlVVdSrOZs5bYUCaKAElHi8D25fMCX8FPB57wUM14hKK4EvPTjy4s7u5INDW1lo52L6Vdsj2U2CPpULh-eLhROKHjtb2cbN1z0LVoYeizmrCKdxGPPc6Sa1lxwFqsNijUM8sXREpxdWc/s320/Screenshot_2018-06-04-22-23-26.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-17189854586197067582018-03-15T22:45:00.002+08:002018-03-15T22:45:09.214+08:00CamouflageAs crying in the rain became too mainstream,<br />
I cry a lot while watching all those sad videos.<br />
<br />
It's a good way to disguise i guess.<br />
If people ask me why I'm crying,<br />
I can tell them the video made me cry.<br />
<br />
And today I cried myself out loud.<br />
And nobody hears it.<br />
I cry, cry and cry till my headache is back, my body is worn out.<br />
I just want to cry.<br />
<br />
Btw, I've stopped seeing my psychiatrist, therapist and counselor for a month now..<br />
I thought I'm getting better.<br />
But I'm actually lying myself.<br />
I'm dying inside.<br />
Every day, every breath i take.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoePDaUOgsu2Cdyzv3uCy4HxmuY0Y8-YPlwqveJk2fUUBJj85ed7FHjM-Kid7XkXG7U3n7UZHoRAj_sEytYgPLwBKMxgmT_SQllBuDHVwPtRszU8vtk4Rcca4Xu_7Zof_kK9hgyymYbB-s/s1600/maxresdefault.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1440" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoePDaUOgsu2Cdyzv3uCy4HxmuY0Y8-YPlwqveJk2fUUBJj85ed7FHjM-Kid7XkXG7U3n7UZHoRAj_sEytYgPLwBKMxgmT_SQllBuDHVwPtRszU8vtk4Rcca4Xu_7Zof_kK9hgyymYbB-s/s640/maxresdefault.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_426304882"></span><span id="goog_426304883"></span><br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-17542824731170097542018-03-15T20:26:00.002+08:002018-03-15T20:26:39.305+08:00ThoughtsI've got two letters today.<div>
More tests coming my way.</div>
<div>
MRI, Echocardiogram are two tests that requires me to pay quite a lot for it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Hmm I'm not worry about the money, </div>
<div>
I still have time to find money to pay for it but what bothers me a lot is my thoughts.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Is it worth it?</div>
<div>
Is it worth spending hundreds ringgit for something that I'm not sure about?</div>
<div>
Should I just ignore everything?</div>
<div>
Should I ignore what I feel just like what everyone been telling me to do?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Goshh.</div>
<div>
I feel like i want to stop breathing.</div>
<div>
Stop doing everything.</div>
<div>
I really do.</div>
<div>
I want to stop feeling hurt.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
😢😢😢</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdD63QuYV6kli7vooxHa7IHOdxMyijpCvZaxDk45oKOhBM0BQR2STrrOwLmcbTWzqWdg_T2w2KixL4zDSXU4fPJEX_qysJ1EikLPq0jvCupqkwCZ_DVvM-b1qEYvSt2WbxrJnXBmtEEBJm/s1600/IMG-20180315-WA0007.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="608" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdD63QuYV6kli7vooxHa7IHOdxMyijpCvZaxDk45oKOhBM0BQR2STrrOwLmcbTWzqWdg_T2w2KixL4zDSXU4fPJEX_qysJ1EikLPq0jvCupqkwCZ_DVvM-b1qEYvSt2WbxrJnXBmtEEBJm/s640/IMG-20180315-WA0007.jpg" width="360" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-12476600084874096452018-03-02T17:13:00.002+08:002018-03-02T17:13:53.762+08:00<span style="font-size: x-large;">Hypocrites!</span>:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-52348018063703737482018-03-02T00:07:00.001+08:002018-03-02T00:07:27.279+08:00Hate Myself!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipva4qY080S4Y9gZZ3-iOZEj13gKw95t0kRWKqjyBeTlyaIuYOY2rgoEzaKRzK_yf80wJzF9v9XnqNZGtr4TvP_af9ytrevfcu_uvrlPhmkkpmqIbUa-3JileK_JN6nOIIPve163Iu7Y1H/s1600/9168911726_4f554ebef7_b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="1024" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipva4qY080S4Y9gZZ3-iOZEj13gKw95t0kRWKqjyBeTlyaIuYOY2rgoEzaKRzK_yf80wJzF9v9XnqNZGtr4TvP_af9ytrevfcu_uvrlPhmkkpmqIbUa-3JileK_JN6nOIIPve163Iu7Y1H/s400/9168911726_4f554ebef7_b.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Why?<br />
Why did I let myself into this?<br />
Why can't I say no?<br />
Why did I let people use me for their own good?<br />
<br />
Am I stupid?<br />
Don't I have any dignity?<br />
<br />
I know they don't even respect me.<br />
I know I'm such a pathetic person.<br />
I can't even say no..<br />
<br />
Why?<br />
Why?!<br />
Why?!!<br />
<br />
I hate you Faizah!<br />
I hate you for not being able to stand for yourself!<br />
I hate you for letting people use you!<br />
<br />
Arghhhhh!<br />
I hate you!:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-74165075679867686472018-03-01T00:10:00.001+08:002018-03-01T00:10:48.989+08:00Fresh start?Or is it a path that I should remind myself to be careful.<div>
Going to a new place is always a challenge for me.</div>
<div>
And tomorrow is the day.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My colleagues keep on reminding me to defend myself.</div>
<div>
Not to get bully at the new place and not to just follow everything they say.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
😂😂</div>
<div>
It seems like i am an easy target to get bully by people no matter where i go.</div>
<div>
Hmm i just hope, i won't "kill" myself.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div>
<br /></div>
:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-82051575035247922872018-02-27T09:00:00.001+08:002018-02-27T09:00:37.410+08:00Emotionally ExhaustedHaving a tough day yesterday,<div>
I slept without taking out my real feelings.</div>
<div>
It leads to an anxiety dream that I've stop having for few months.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I dreamt of killing myself, try to run away but i fell, i cried myself out loud in the dream.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitA2dY0RvNI3UqbkvQd-MegG7QpwgKVGY-yjaCpjl9jj_AR0dV8WqSotdeAqmNTR3AcOX10-vQVNI9Lw9RVPtkcNFEAIb_NYEPxP0zWKw8FjTFooYQdeOsqQ58AOcN7HB-fz1loZW1xi_m/s1600/74edebb008826bb90e162d73108ca1e5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="333" data-original-width="500" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitA2dY0RvNI3UqbkvQd-MegG7QpwgKVGY-yjaCpjl9jj_AR0dV8WqSotdeAqmNTR3AcOX10-vQVNI9Lw9RVPtkcNFEAIb_NYEPxP0zWKw8FjTFooYQdeOsqQ58AOcN7HB-fz1loZW1xi_m/s320/74edebb008826bb90e162d73108ca1e5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Woke up with such a heavy eyes, heavy head, headache, and the most painful is heartache.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I'm indeed emotionally exhausted.</div>
<div>
I don't know what will happen to me later.</div>
<div>
But I'm tired.</div>
<div>
Very very very tired.</div>
:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-90707414676054231332018-02-21T21:17:00.000+08:002018-02-21T21:17:21.696+08:00PerplexityPerplexed.<br />
It's exactly what I feel right now.<br />
They said, if I try hard enough, I'll get better.<br />
Everything will be fine.<br />
Everything will never be the same again.<br />
They said so.<br />
I believed them.<br />
<br />
However, today I think trying hard isn't good enough.<br />
You still need to be perfect.<br />
<br />
Shhhh...<br />
<br />
Let me be in the silence.<br />
I'm not ready to be in a limelight.<br />
I'm not ready to make my own decisions..<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-52444420079775318242018-02-11T09:24:00.001+08:002018-02-11T09:24:10.523+08:00PatheticAs time passed by,<br />
as day changes to night,<br />
as months change,<br />
I felt more and more pathetic.<br />
<br />
I became the old me who are more reserve and avoided people around me.<br />
I hide my feelings.<br />
I hide what I feel.<br />
I just keep everything to myself.<br />
All the pain, I feel it and nobody knows about it.<br />
<br />
Because I feel so pathetic.<br />
I feel so useless.<br />
I feel like I'm the biggest burden.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaQfslixpQaqzOfz98J_HHdT2sU3F6j5_b1gDr_plG1cvmUSj9-42hyphenhyphenWIL5UPPHeAHDlIYEgx37zhDyW7jYL6nlYMi8vVlB1EU1xwxHbaNrWBLdhdzxySkQ1ihoV4gDDo7f5QQ5t67N5q0/s1600/short-hairstyles-for-big-girls-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="504" data-original-width="500" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaQfslixpQaqzOfz98J_HHdT2sU3F6j5_b1gDr_plG1cvmUSj9-42hyphenhyphenWIL5UPPHeAHDlIYEgx37zhDyW7jYL6nlYMi8vVlB1EU1xwxHbaNrWBLdhdzxySkQ1ihoV4gDDo7f5QQ5t67N5q0/s400/short-hairstyles-for-big-girls-1.jpg" width="396" /></a></li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-59954201324724778402018-01-30T20:06:00.001+08:002018-01-30T20:06:20.696+08:00LifeOne question that my colleagues usually asks me is, "how's your life?"<br />
I've been answering them the same old thing.<br />
<br />
Work - sleep - hospital - repeat<br />
<br />
That's how my routine goes for this few months.<br />
<br />
HKL and my office are like my second home<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi666AB0FiCw9fe4KTztBPQxGmz75_ovLRyiY0A9FVfguptM9poqW_MXlNsELHwUB9u5ol8wZ_fesU0P0FXCJkTlpBj6hLhegb3KG1l1m6kzU5D5LNllo-Zd7h8iEn_kWnHB1GgGVucrd1e/s1600/2018-01-29_22.41.26.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi666AB0FiCw9fe4KTztBPQxGmz75_ovLRyiY0A9FVfguptM9poqW_MXlNsELHwUB9u5ol8wZ_fesU0P0FXCJkTlpBj6hLhegb3KG1l1m6kzU5D5LNllo-Zd7h8iEn_kWnHB1GgGVucrd1e/s640/2018-01-29_22.41.26.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
Nothing interesting right?<br />
Just that i get more and more appointments as day passed by.<br />
<br />
However I do hope that everything will be back to normal and I don't have to undergo another mri and whatsoever.<br />
<br />
😣:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-80889460599272388372018-01-25T15:24:00.000+08:002018-01-25T15:24:04.545+08:00HateYeah.<br />
I hate myself.<br />
You read that right.<br />
<br />
I<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
HATE<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
MYSELF!!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0SdPg5CGGKAVt8TIsmF1_g0DUW0NJeTlYDllZ4Nt2Oz1UwAlOc1IX3GPb9S2RKDRZpbDa_aXl3lIyxsbJZTANCe-QR9A47TUgJ-512MdbqVzMJ-Pd3F1Vzau3MdADm4zoAOdfTKSwbgHA/s1600/distrub.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="660" height="396" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh0SdPg5CGGKAVt8TIsmF1_g0DUW0NJeTlYDllZ4Nt2Oz1UwAlOc1IX3GPb9S2RKDRZpbDa_aXl3lIyxsbJZTANCe-QR9A47TUgJ-512MdbqVzMJ-Pd3F1Vzau3MdADm4zoAOdfTKSwbgHA/s640/distrub.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-34338465998804277422018-01-08T11:22:00.000+08:002018-01-08T11:22:55.113+08:00RezekiKita tahu rezeki datang dalam pelbagai bentuk.<br />
Harta, kesihatan, kelapangan, keluarga dan macam-macam cara lagi.<br />
<br />
Allah hadirkan semua tu tanpa kita duga.<br />
Kadang kita doa dan Allah terus makbulkan.<br />
Kadang kita doa, Allah tangguh sebentar, tunggu masa yang sesuai.<br />
Dan kadang kita doa, Allah ganti dengan perkara yang lebih baik.<br />
<br />
Ada yang bersyukur<br />
Tapi ada juga yang tersungkur.<br />
<br />
Mereka kata, iman manusia naik dan turun.<br />
Saat tersungkur, bangkit lah kembali.<br />
<br />
😊<br />
Easy said than done.<br />
<br />
Bukan senang nak bangkit dari satu kejatuhan.<br />
Bukan satu tapi bertimpa- timpa.<br />
<br />
Tapi Alhamdulillah, Allah masih beri rezeki.<br />
Dia lapangkan segala sesak di dada dengan menghadirkan mereka yang banyak membantu aku.<br />
Keluarga, sahabat, dan Team Breakout.<br />
<br />
Mereka sabar dengan aku.<br />
Mereka terus terang dengan aku.<br />
Mereka ada...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6v5BXeVRZJVszfAv56mRwBWIUSvvLflV2vcMtseaXpML3IJGQh_q1smrw6hNhLNsjLVFW_peBZtU0iyeSUrnhl7IzlM6VWY9JXfen33qK9_R8tCwYPitfiOowloVD9Uiu5dZDN4wzIZ5r/s1600/IMG-20171221-WA0011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="810" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6v5BXeVRZJVszfAv56mRwBWIUSvvLflV2vcMtseaXpML3IJGQh_q1smrw6hNhLNsjLVFW_peBZtU0iyeSUrnhl7IzlM6VWY9JXfen33qK9_R8tCwYPitfiOowloVD9Uiu5dZDN4wzIZ5r/s640/IMG-20171221-WA0011.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Redha Faizah. Redha dengan semua ni.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-63725170794227567942018-01-05T23:08:00.001+08:002018-01-05T23:08:55.986+08:00HopelessThere's one person who asked me how my days going, how am I doing.<br />
Honestly, I almost cried.<br />
<br />
I said there's nothing happen.<br />
It's just the same old thing i did every single day.<br />
<br />
But deep inside,<br />
I suffered a lot.<br />
Like literally when meeting people,<br />
No matter who they are,<br />
My heart being stabbed by them.<br />
<br />
It hurts.<br />
<br />
I've been saying to myself to hang in there.<br />
But when I personally heard that there are people who don't believe me,<br />
I feel totally useless.<br />
<br />
I'm 27 years old lady who is useless, hopeless and didn't bring any difference to the world.<br />
<br />
Should i stay, or should i just go away?<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjahyW_Cq_Zj2tNmLfNPhcGLhIOYIoh7sY0xz6yM3TRoQ_GPFCg2C1ufdJg05Idga9iMbkKZgw-E81BqcA0MuyhOos8qe_xmAZMxL7jDREgS7afMLh70lHVnZ7UdyDS_UDQSOF2pcyKiv7U/s1600/6615dd1717e7255173a31f5389adede7--hand-photography-black-photography.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1104" data-original-width="736" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjahyW_Cq_Zj2tNmLfNPhcGLhIOYIoh7sY0xz6yM3TRoQ_GPFCg2C1ufdJg05Idga9iMbkKZgw-E81BqcA0MuyhOos8qe_xmAZMxL7jDREgS7afMLh70lHVnZ7UdyDS_UDQSOF2pcyKiv7U/s400/6615dd1717e7255173a31f5389adede7--hand-photography-black-photography.jpg" width="266" /></a></div>
:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-69998191165804186542017-12-27T22:07:00.000+08:002017-12-27T22:07:42.589+08:00Should i?Should i just eat all my meds?<div>
Should i run out to the middle of the street?</div>
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Should i just get out from this world?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Should i just die?</div>
:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9142177333639589014.post-80012733452352875332017-12-26T19:17:00.000+08:002017-12-26T19:17:36.239+08:00Suffocated<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXiaTDzNRfkLl49EslBjorMx316AoflzFShkKwptQvIyljMTP4fTcw2iB4t4HUEzuzFrIVblw5xikvOWtpRaYOBGY89XCkJWXmgbBecFB1UqAxMwuJbbm8YXQcojLSLgZ5G4q7IWoYhMHP/s1600/P_20171223_193143_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1107" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXiaTDzNRfkLl49EslBjorMx316AoflzFShkKwptQvIyljMTP4fTcw2iB4t4HUEzuzFrIVblw5xikvOWtpRaYOBGY89XCkJWXmgbBecFB1UqAxMwuJbbm8YXQcojLSLgZ5G4q7IWoYhMHP/s400/P_20171223_193143_1.jpg" width="276" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I know I don't have to be perfect but being me, perfection is not a choice</td></tr>
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<br />
Time flies like the speed of light.<br />
Tanpa sedar, beberapa hari lagi akan tiba tahun baru masihi.<br />
Masa berubah, keadaan berubah tapi aku?<br />
Wallahu'alam.<br />
Aku sendiri bingung dan buntu dengan diri aku sendiri.<br />
<br />
After a long time trying to post something to this space, <br />
I finally did it.<br />
Busy? Yeah.<br />
I'm keeping myself busy these days.<br />
<br />
Why?<br />
'Cause I want to distract myself from everything.<br />
Sometimes I feel like I'm running away from the world.<br />
Sometimes I feel like I'm a hypocrite.<br />
<br />
You don't realise it but you hide from yourself often.<br />
Just trying to appease others and hide your emotion.<br />
Just to hide your true self from others.<br />
Just because of you still afraid of what they'll think of you.<br />
<br />
Hmm...<br />
<br />
I'm confused.<br />
Am I getting better or I'm getting worse?<br />
<br />:: FaE-ZaH ::http://www.blogger.com/profile/06125422257856961275noreply@blogger.com0